At Your Service

Allison heard the word "butler" the other day for the first time. She naturally came to me to ask what it meant.

Me: a butler is someone who takes care of everything you would need. It's his job to help you out with anything you ask.

Alli: Mommy's my butler.

Truer words have never been spoken . . .

Subtle Differences in the Sexes

Context: Elijah had a friend over to spend the night last night, and while they were furiously running around the house shooting at random villains, I overheard this conversation . . .

Alli: Ija, remember that you are the soldier and I am the princess that you rescue.

Elijah: Alli, we aren't playing that game. You can be part of our killing team!

Conversation with a 5 year old

Quiet whispering and giggling in the living room - never a good sign when it involves a 5 and 3 year old. So I quieted my own activity to eavesdrop until said 3 year old starts yelling,

"Ija said a potty word!"

"Elijah," I reply calmly, "please come in here."

He enters, sheepishly. I ask him what potty word he said.

Defensive, he replies, "I was just repeating a word I heard on a movie!"

Wait. We don't let him watch movies like that. "What movie?" I queried?

His moralism sets in. "Veggie Tales. And Veggie Tales aren't supposed to teach you about potty words, they are supposed to teach you about God!"

"Really? Veggie Tales? Okay, what potty word did Veggie Tales teach you?"

He's prepared, "An old man was saying to a little girl, 'if you don't go to bed, tomorrow you are going to be pooped!'"

And once again, I am reminded how literal children are.

You Might be a Redneck if . . .

. . . you use the umbrella stand in your patio furniture to anchor your clothesline, and then proceed to hang clothes out to dry in 40 degree weather. A few hours later is started to sleet! I think it's time to get the dryer fixed, or else I need to convince myself that I'm saving the earth by reducing my carbon footprint here.

"Ooh, spicy!"
Alli's response to blowing her nose on a tissue from the new box of Puffs Plus with Vick's vapor.

Keeping me Humble

Elijah, on explaining how much he loves his new booster seat in the van:

"Mommy, I love my booster seat so much that I will never
want to move out of it. But someday my bottom will be as big as yours and
it will touch the arm rests and I won't be able to fit in it anymore."

A New Kind of Superhero

Last night the kids were playing with Dan when I heard Elijah say that he wanted to be a superhero and his name would be . . .


wait for it . . .


"super-visor"


Yep, supervisor. The hero you call when you need a pesky question answered. Rest easy citizens, he's here to save the day.

How to be a Good Loser . . . by Alli

Heard in the hallway, while the kids raced each other:

Elijah: (exuberantly) "I win!"

Alli: (just as exuberantly) "I lose!"



Let's see how long this attitude lasts . . .

It's a big moment in a boy's life when he has to admit he is scared to tell his daddy that he is about to be arrested . . .

Or so Elijah thought, after a confrontation with a friend over a borrowed toy that she wanted returned. I found Elijah sobbing outside that he was going to "get 'rested" and he was too scared to come inside and tell his daddy.

I hope he always feels this way . . .

"It Smells Like Nothing"

A sad thing happened today. Elijah was trying to describe the scent of car wax to me and said, "It smells like nothing." Cute, to be sure, but sad because he has never, in his 4 1/2 years on earth, said the word "nothing." He has always said "anything." Like after I ask him what is wrong, he pouts and says, "Anything." And when I ask him who taught him something, his answer would be "anyone." I'm sad he figured out the correct grammar.

So, before he gives up all his cute words, I decided to post my favorite mis-pronunciations of my guy.

1. "Sank you" instead of "thank you"
2. "Lose" instead of "use"
3. "Wecause" instead of "because"

Unfortunately, that is all I can think of now, but as he learns to speak more clearly, I am sure I will think of more! And soon I'll be able to post about Alli's cute sayings!

Really? The Office?

I was shocked as the next alum, but laughed anyway. Dan and I have told almost everyone we know about this video, and this seemed like the easiest way to direct them to the link. Enjoy!

The Admission's Office

Doggie Blogs

After reading this, Sadie seriously contemplated obeying her herd instinct in starting a blog, but decided it would interfere too greatly with her sleeping, eating and barking.

After hearing some real "gems" from Elijah recently, I realized that I should be writing them down! So that is exactly what I am doing here:

I was reading a book at the breakfast table one morning and Elijah was up earlier than usual. I explained to him that I needed a little quiet so that I could finish the chapter in my Bible Doctrine book. A few minutes passed and then he asked me, "Mommy, are you going to the Doctor's today?" When I replied in the negative and inquired why he asked me that, he answered, "Then why are you reading a doctor book?"

Elijah has discovered the world of bubblegum and asks for a piece quite often. He watches intently if Dan or I blow a bubble and asked if we could show him how to do it. When we tried to explain it, he understood that it would be difficult to learn and decided that his "special trick" with gum would be to "chomp it."

I attended a friend's baby shower last week and brought home some candy. Elijah saw it and asked if it was from the "baby's bath."

And finally, in an effort to get to eat dinner early, before his father had come home, Elijah whined to me and said that "eating together stranges me out." Now explain that!?!?!

Email Forwards

I received this email today and laughed out loud! It is too funny not to share. After all, have you ever sent one of these forwards?

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

One More Camping Story . . .

Sorry, no picture to go with it, but too funny not to post! Remember the bike Elijah got for his 3rd birthday? Well, he was riding it around the campground as I followed him and a cute little girl, probably around 4 years old and wearing a bikini, stopped and stared at him.
"I really like your bike" she said.
Elijah just stared back.
"Where did he get it?" she asked me.
I encouraged Elijah to answer her question.
Elijah just stared back.
So I answered and we went on our way.

A couple of days later, Elijah was again riding his bike around the campground, this time with Dan following and they once again ran into the cute little girl. She smiled and said "Hi" to Elijah.
Elijah just stared back.
Dan encouraged him to say hello back, but
Elijah just stared back.
As they walked away, Dan asked Elijah why he wouldn't say hi to the cute little girl.

His reply was, "She was SO, so cute."

Who knew that his bike would be such a chick magnet? :)

The Picture that Begs a Caption . . .

I'll admit it, I was speechless. What would your caption be?

Who Can Save the World?

We bought Elijah a Superman costume for Christmas (purchased on clearance just days after Halloween) and he loves to dress up in it and requires that we call him "Superman" while he is wearing the costume.

So this morning, I was helping him put it on and when I finished I said, "Alright, Superman, go and save the world!"

He replied, "Superman can't save the world." To which I answered, "You are right. But do you know who can save the world? God can!"

The little heretic replied, "God can't save the world, only Buzz Lightyear can."

Thank-you Disney . . .

I've been receiving a lot of Christmas email stories. Some worth reading, some not so much. Anyway, I got this email from my friend Heather and laughed out loud. Now this is eating advice I can follow!

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple.! Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mince meat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Bored Pet Owners . . .

I couldn't resist sharing these pictures when I found them. Have a great weekend!

Skunk

Last night we were heading home from stamping at Suzy's and our car became overwhelmed with the smell of a skunk. What a perfect learning opportunity, I thought, so I said,
"Hey buddy, do you know what that smell is?"
"What?" he replied.
"That stinky smell, do you know what animal that is?" I asked again.
"What?"
"It's a skunk. The skunk is a stinky animal!" I explained to him.
I laughed out loud when he replied,
"Does the skunk need to take a bath?"
What do you say to that? "I guess it wouldn't hurt." I answered.